Progesterone Round Two

I went to the doctor last Monday because my cycle STILL hasn’t arrived. My last cycle was in November so the doctor decided to put me on progesterone (or the crazy pill as my husband calls it) to jump start it. This is my second time taking progesterone because up until now my cycles have been semi-regular. I stopped my Metformin in October because of the GI issues and I assume that is why my cycle has become more irregular.

The only side effect I have had (thus far) from the progesterone is drowsiness; which has actually been pretty amazing. I have gotten some of the best sleep since I started the progesterone! I am telling you, I haven’t sleep this good in YEARS! My husband has noticed me saying full sentences in my sleep since I stated the medication last Monday!

I am supposed to take the progesterone for 10 days and then my cycle will start within 10 days of the last pill. Once my cycle starts, we are back to our regular “timed intercourse” schedule. Baseline monitoring on the first and 14th day of my cycle, 5 days of letrozole, a trigger shot, and lots of “baby dancing.”

A Year From Now

I came across this quote a few days ago on Facebook, “A year from now, everything you are stressing about won’t even matter.”

Reading this quote instantly reminded me of this time last year. I remember snuggling my nephew on Christmas Eve, while listening to “Santa” put his gifts together. I couldn’t help but think, will I ever get to be Santa? Last Christmas I was 8 months in to this journey and I was just starting to realize something may really be wrong. And this Christmas? I am 1 year and 8 months in to this journey.

The thing I was stressing about a year ago is exactly the same as today. I realize this quote is appropriate for some situations but unfortunately, not mine.

When Santa Brings You A BFN

I don’t take pregnancy tests (I may have mentioned this before). I did for the first few months of TTC and then I quit. I couldn’t stand seeing the BFN month after month. I haven’t taken a home test in about 8 months or so. Usually my cycle shows up before I even think about testing. The only time I test now is if the fertility clinic chooses to do so.

My period is about 15 days late (which is no surprise due to my PCOS). I decided I would take a test because what better day to surprise my hubs than Christmas? I imagined myself wrapping the test and giving it to my husband in front of our family. Of course, it was negative. Now I remember why I don’t test. I have never felt so sad on Christmas Day.

My Husband

Dedicated Blog Posts

When we started dating 10+ years ago, I had no idea we would end up where we are today. We have built a life together that most people dream of and for that I am thankful.

My heart is so full when it comes to you. I have come to realize that even if god doesn’t give us a child, I am still lucky because he gave me you. I promise to never let what I am missing interfere with what I have been given.

You are the most important part of my journey, because you have carried me through it.

When Life Gets In The Way

This month was supposed to be our second timed cycle and our first cycle using a trigger shot. Everything was on schedule with the plan…except my husbands work schedule.

My husband is a lineman and he left last week to help restore the power in Florida after hurricane Michael. Needless to say, this cycle has been cancelled 😭

Here’s to another round of crazy hormone meds!

Pregnant Sims??

My secret guilty pleasure: playing The Sims Freeplay on my phone. Yes, the computer game from the 90’s has made its way to the App Store. This is one of my favorite ways to pass the time while waiting at the doctors office.

Today, there was a huge sims update. I was so excited to open the game and see what it was. ****drum roll*** Your sims can now get PREGNANT! Are you freaking kidding me?? Even my sims can get pregnant and I can’t. Every time I open the game that I enjoy playing as an escape from reality, I am now faced with pregnant bellies and ultrasound pictures. Who knew The Sims could make you ugly cry? I think I will find another way to occupy my free time.

Reality?

I often find myself wondering if I am really infertile. What if I am just not trying hard enough? What if I don’t know enough about the ovulation process? Maybe we aren’t “getting busy” enough? Maybe I should buy more expensive OPKs?

I read that denial is one of the 5 stages of grief. I think these questions are a reflection of denial against my infertility. Do you ever question if this is really your reality?

“Face reality as it is, not as it was or as you wish it to be.”-Jack Welch

Halfway Through

How is it already June?! How are we already half way through the year? When you are trying to conceive, realizing you are halfway through the year can be depressing.

Halfway through the year means you have about 6 more chances to try before next year (assuming you have regular cycles). If you have irregular cycles (🙋🏼‍♀️) you have less than that. Half a year seems like a long time but in terms of baby making, its only a few more tries.

One of Those Moments

I had one of those moments yesterday. You know those moments when you physically can’t catch your breath? Those moments when the tears start flowing and they just won’t stop? Those moments when you feel your heart shatter into a million pieces? I had one of those moments yesterday.

I was digging through my hope chest when I came across something that stopped me in my tracks: my husband’s baby book. I have seen his baby book before but this was my first time laying eyes on it since we started our journey through infertility. I hesitated to open it but I couldn’t resist.

The pages were covered in photos of the cutest brown eyed little boy I have ever seen. I smiled as I turned the first few pages. My first thought was, “I can’t wait to have a beautiful brown eyed baby like him” and then it hit me. I may never have a beautiful brown eyed baby like him. I may never have a baby who is half me and half the person I love, or a baby at all for that matter. If the thought of that doesn’t break your damn heart, I don’t know what will.

“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.”-Isaiah 43:2

WordPress Friends?!?!

I joined WordPress a few days ago in hopes of sharing my struggle with infertility. If you read my recent blog post (I am a coward) then you know I do not talk to anyone about my infertility struggle. I started a blog so I would have a way to get my thoughts out of my head. I didn’t really care if anyone read my blog, I just needed a healthy way to express myself.

I had no idea WordPress would help me connect with people who are struggling just.like.me. People who are kind and understanding. People who want to make you feel better about yourself.

Reading blog posts from people who are in the same situation as me has brought so much peace to my life. I now know that I am not alone and I do have people to talk to.

If you are one of the “WordPress friends” I have connected with recently, I want to say thank you. Thank you for reading. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for making me realize I am not alone.

“We rise by lifting others” -Robert Ingersoll